In this article I’m going to talk about why clarifying your interpersonal goals with anyone, but especially when dealing with toxic people, is important. I’m also going to show you exactly how to identify your goals and how to decide the most effective approach.
Why Clarify Interpersonal Goals?
It’s super important to determine ahead of time what you want out of the interaction with the toxic person to avoid being hoovered, triggered or otherwise influenced by them.
It’s important to know what you actually want out of a situation in order to be effective interpersonally. Many times, things get off track due to not knowing what you want or when emotions take over. This is especially true when dealing with a narcissist or sociopath. They’re really good at getting you derailed and if this happens, you’ll be easier to manipulate.
Three Potential Goals in Interpersonal Situations
There are 3 possible goals when interacting with anyone. The first possible goal is focusing on the getting your objective, your goal, met. The second possible goal is keeping or maintaining the relationship with the other person. The third possible goal in interpersonal situations is preserving your self-respect.
1. You Want a Specific Outcome
Let’s look at the first possible goal: getting your objective met. If your intention in interacting with a person is focused on a specific outcome, that goal, that outcome is the primary reason for the interaction. Your relationship and your self-respect take a backseat in this situation.
If a specific outcome is your main reason for the interaction, you can prepare for the interaction by asking yourself (and answering) a few questions.
The key questions to ask yourself here are:
- What do I want out of this interaction?
- What is my goal?
- What specific result or change do I want from this interaction?”
Be as specific as possible.
For example:
- “Getting my opinion taken seriously.”
- “Refusing an unreasonable request and making that refusal stick.”
- “Resolving interpersonal conflict.”
2. Maintaining or Keeping the Relationship Is Key
If maintaining or improving the relationship is of primary importance to you and you would also like to achieve your main objective in the interaction (but actually accomplishing the main objective is secondary to the relationship), the key question to ask yourself here is:
How do I want the other person to feel about me after the interaction is over (whether or not I get the changes I’m asking for)?
For example:
- “I want to act in a way that actually makes the other person want to give me what I’m asking for.”
- “I have to say no to their request, but I want them to feel okay about it.”
- “I want to balance my immediate goals with the good of the long-term relationship.”
Two important points about being effective in a relationship:
a. The relationship can be the main goal of the interaction. If the main goal of the interaction is to get someone to like you or to stop criticizing you, then enhancing the relationship is the main objective. In this case relationship effectiveness is choosing a way to go about improving or keeping the relationship that does not damage it over the long run. For example, you understand the other person’s perspective, while at the same time you ask this person to change how he/she treats you. You avoid threats, judgments, or attacks.
b. However, always making the relationship the main goal doesn’t always work and isn’t always in your best interest. Sacrificing your needs all the time for the relationship doesn’t work. It’s a myth that if you sacrifice your own needs and wants to other people, your relationships will go more smoothly, approval will be constant, and no problems will ever arise. The end result won’t be a smooth relationship. The end result will be a loss of a sense of self and, if you’re dealing with a toxic person, you will eventually be sucked dry.
3. When Self-Respect is the Priority
The third possible goal of an interpersonal interaction is maintaining or improving your self-respect, and respecting your own values and beliefs, while you try to attain your objectives. It means acting in ways that fit your sense of morality, and that make you feel a sense of competence and mastery.
The key question to ask yourself here is
How do I want to feel about myself after the interaction is over (whether or not I get the results or changes I want)?
a. Improving self-respect can be a main objective – The main goal of the interaction is improving your self-respect, for example, when the simple act of standing up and speaking is most important. In other words, when getting what you want is not as important as asserting yourself. Self-respect effectiveness refers to choosing a way to improve your self-respect that does not at the same time inadvertently damage your self-respect in the short-term or the long-term.
For example:
- “Standing up for yourself.”
- “Defending a friend.”
- “Stepping forward to do or say something courageous.”
b. Always making self-respect the objective doesn’t work – some people make maintaining their self-respect the major issue in almost every interaction. Always wanting to be on top or have control or power, never letting another person win in an interaction, wanting to prove a point or defend a position no matter what can compromise long-term effectiveness.
c. Violating our own moral values diminishes self-respect in the long-term – giving in for the sake of pleasing others, lying to gain approval or get what we want, or any activity that is experienced as “selling out” diminishes self-respect over time.
d. Acting helpless also diminishes self-respect in the long-term – even if acting helpless is strategic — that is deliberately calculated to get someone to do something — the strategy will inevitably lead to reduced mastery and self-respect.
How to Decide the Relative Importance of The Three Effectiveness Types
So how do you go about deciding whether your main objective, your relationship or your self-respect is most important in any given situation? The short answer is … it depends. It depends on your priorities. It also depends on the situation.
Let’s look at some situations in relation to the three effectiveness goals.
1. Situation: Ana is going through a divorce and the temporary court order specifies that both Ana and her husband, Jon, need to keep up with expenses until the divorce is final. Ana told Jon that she needed money to pay for the homeowner’s insurance. Jon said he transferred it into her account, but Ana’s account shows no transfer. Ana ended up fronting the money herself but wants Jon to reimburse her.
Main Objective: Ana wants Jon to reimburse her for his half of the homeowner’s insurance. (Ana’s top priority.)
Relationship: Ana wants to stay in control of her emotions because she does not want to look unreasonable or vindictive to the court. (Ana’s second priority.)
Self-Respect: Ana doesn’t want to lose her self-respect by getting too emotional, fighting dirty or causing a scene. (Ana’s third priority.)
2. Situation: Carla’s best friend wants to come over and discuss a problem. Carla wants to go to bed.
Main Objective: Carla wants to go to bed. (Carla’s third priority.)
Relationship: Keep a good relationship with her friend (Carla’s top priority.)
Self-Respect: Balance caring for herself with caring for her friend (Carla’s second priority.)
3. Situation: Tiffany wants a raise. Her boss is toxic and pressures her for sex in return.
Objective: Get a raise. Stay out of bed with boss. (Tiffany’s third priority.)
Relationship: Keep the boss’ respect and goodwill because she plans to quit soon and needs a good reference. (Tiffany’s second most important priority.)
Self-Respect: Not violate her own moral code by sleeping with the boss (Tiffany’s top priority.)
Things to Think About
- What goals do you find important? Which are hardest and require the most skill?
- Has there ever been a time when you’ve made relationships more important than your own objectives or/or self-respect?
- How can constantly putting personal needs second be harmful to a relationship in the long-term?
- Have you ever done things in a relationship that reduced your sense of self-respect? How did you handle it?
- Have you ever risked losing what you want, a relationship or your self-respect for a short-term relationship gain?
- What areas or situations do you need to ask for something or say no to something? Describe your objectives, relationship issues and self-respect issues in this situation. What would be most important? Second most important?