It’s not unusual for the problematic person, aka narcissist, aka sociopath, to tell their targets that they are the narcissist, that they are the abuser. Remember that the biggest tell for a sociopath is that they play the victim. So making you out to be the abuser, the narcissist, the sociopath is in their bag of tricks. And since you’ve already been groomed, conditioned, to give more credence to what they’re telling you, it’s pretty likely that you will question whether or not you really are the problem, really are the narcissist or the sociopath.
Maybe the toxic person in your life points to your behavior as examples of abuse. It’s pretty common that targets of abuse pick up negative behaviors from the abuser. Jackson MacKenzie in Psychopath Free, calls these narcissistic fleas. It’s also pretty common for the abused to yell back or react to being abused in some way. And the narcissist or sociopath then uses this reactive behavior as evidence that you are the abuser.
Here’s the good news. You are probably not a narcissist. You are probably not a sociopath or a psychopath. And I’m going to tell you why. And then you are going to prove it to yourself that you are not…because me just telling you why, while a good intellectual exercise, may not entirely alleviate the niggling in the back of your mind. So we’re going to address that niggling voice in a very concrete way.
How can I be so sure that you are probably not the narcissist, the sociopath or even the psychopath? One word. Worry. If you’ve been called any of those by the abuser, I bet you have spent quite a bit of time worrying about whether or not it’s true. Am I right or am I right? I bet you’ve looked at check lists of common characteristics and painstakingly considered whether or not any of these characteristics apply to you. And maybe some of them do.
Before you say, “Aha! Some of them do apply to me! It’s true then!” Let me stop you. Remember that anyone that has a real personality disorder, real toxic personality, has a pattern of behaviors across relationships and situations. The behaviors don’t just happen with one person or a couple days a month. I’m guessing that your reactions are limited to how you interact with the abuser when he provokes you. That doesn’t make you a narcissist, a sociopath or a psychopath. It makes you normal. The longer you are away from him, the less reactive you will become.
Sociopaths and other problematic personality types target people who are open-minded, tend to be open to suggestions, are empathetic, non-judgmental and kindhearted. These are all great strengths. But like with everything else, the predator uses normal human strengths against you. If he suggests to you that you’re the problem, you will automatically consider it. And it’s pretty likely that you will find examples in your behavior that you’re not proud of (reactive abuse). That doesn’t make you an abuser (no pattern of behavior). So keep in mind that you do have a tendency to be open-minded and open to suggestion and don’t let him weaponize these strengths.
You do not deliberately trample other people’s boundaries, do you? You don’t go out of your way to make someone feel uncomfortable. You don’t lie. You don’t cheat. You don’t try to confuse others on purpose. You don’t deliberately miss commitments or ignore the feelings of others. You don’t manipulate your way through life. On the contrary, you are probably quite honest, responsible, kind and tuned in to the way others feel. You don’t expect special treatment from everyone and then throw a tantrum when you don’t get your way. Predators do lie, manipulate, cheat, create chaos and confusion, ignore commitments, ignore the feelings of others, are highly entitled and will punish if they don’t get their way. They do all of these things as a way of being in the world, on a regular basis, across situations and relationships.
You, my friend, are not the problem. I’m guessing that you can understand this at an intellectual level, but maybe your heart hasn’t caught up yet. So let’s do a little exercise. Grab your journal or you can print out the pdf that goes with this episode in the show notes.
Split your paper into two columns. On the left hand side, write “Things he did/does.” On the right hand side, write “Things I do.” You’re going to record what he did/does and then how you respond(ed) differently to the same or similar situations. Keep this log for two or three weeks.
For example: What he did: He screamed at me and threw a water bottle. What I did: When I am angry at someone, I try to problem-solve and look for a win-win solution without raising my voice.
What he did: He lied to me about his military service.
What I do: I am honest with people about my history, where I worked and where I lived.
What he did: He tried to make me feel bad because I have a good vocabulary.
What I do: I value learning and I encouraged my friend to go back to school to uplevel her skills even though she said she felt too old to do that.
The purpose of keeping this log for several weeks is to anchor in your healing identity mindset that you committed to creating last week. Over time it will shift your focus from all the awful things the abuser did to you, to all the positive things that you are now doing in your life.
Please let me know how this works for you. Did you find it helpful? You can DM me anytime @fraudulationship on Instagram or Facebook. I will personally respond to you if you take the time to reach out.
Have a great day and I’ll talk to you again on Friday.
Download the His Behavior VS My Behavior Log