How to Set & Hold Boundaries with a Toxic Person

We hear a lot of talk about the importance of boundaries in the narcissistic and sociopathic abuse recovery communities. Today I want to take a few minutes to talk about what boundaries are, why they are important and how to set and hold boundaries with people with personality disorders. People with personality disorders push boundaries in subtle and not so subtle ways even more than the average person, so it’s important to up your ability to hold your boundaries once they’re set.

Most of us have boundaries and most people we run into in daily life, if they do bump into our boundaries, are apologetic about it and immediately back off. Not so with predators, the emotionally unstable and narcissists. These people will deliberately push your boundaries just because they can. They enjoy the drama of your pushing back. To predators, the emotionally unstable and narcissists, creating drama and chaos is their thing, and their manipulations and boundary pushes are all part of the game for them. Boundary pushes are designed to keep you distracted, confused, off-kilter, unable to make decisions, stuck.

Breached Boundaries Create Real Problems

Not being able to hold an established boundary can create all kinds of problems for you. When someone breaches your boundaries and is unapologetic, you may feel a sense of powerlessness. You may feel frustrated. If it goes on long enough, you may notice that you feel more anxious, hopeless or even depressed.

Step 1: Self-Awareness

The first step to setting and keeping boundaries is self-awareness. Think about situations in which you feel your boundaries are being challenged by someone else. How does this feel in your body? Maybe you get clammy skin, maybe you feel rising anger, maybe you feel drained of energy. Maybe you feel like you need “space” or want to run away. Pay attention over the next week when you feel your body communicating with you that your boundaries are being pushed. It may be helpful to journal about what you’re noticing or record it in the Self-Awareness Log. Noticing when and how your body responds will help you set firm limits on what behavior you will tolerate from others.

Another way to think about your boundaries is the following exercise. This is also available in a downloadable pdf.

Finish this sentence:  People may not _____________. Write down 10 things that you won’t tolerate others doing. For example:  People may not yell at me. People may not read my personal papers or journal. People may not make me question my reality (gaslight).

Finish this sentence:  I have the right to ask for ____________. Write down 10 things that you have the right to. For example, I have the right to go to bed when I’m tired. I have the right to eat when I am hungry. I have the right to privacy.

Finish this sentence:  To protect myself, it is ok to _______. Write down 10 things it is ok for you to do. For example, To protect myself it is ok to change my mind. To protect myself it is ok to turn put my phone on silent. To protect myself it is ok to let the call go to voicemail. To protect myself it is ok to refuse sex.

Set Boundaries

When someone bumps into your boundary, as much as possible, try to speak in a firm, calm tone. Use direct, simple language. If you aren’t used to speaking up for yourself, this might be uncomfortable. You can practice ahead of time so that the language is on the tip of your tongue.

Here are a few ways you could handle the predator, emotionally unstable or narcissistic person. These are suggestions only. Use your judgement and remember that your personal safety is priority.

You Could Say…

If they are angry, you could say “You may not yell at me. If you continue to yell, I will leave the room.”

If they are criticizing you, you could say “I don’t like it when you comment on my weight. Please stop.” (If they flip it on you and say that they were only joking, don’t react. Simply repeat your first statement like a broken record.)

If they gaslight you and try to convince you that something happened in a way that you know for a fact did not happen that way, you could say, “I know when x happened. Would you like me to go get the paperwork to show you?” or you could simply say “I disagree and we are going to have to agree to disagree.” Refuse to engage.

If they are trying to hoover you back into the relationship, you could say, “I hear what you are saying, and I have decided that it is not in my best interest to get back together with you.”

If they are pushing a sexual boundary, you could say, “I’m not comfortable with that.”

When you set and hold a boundary, there is no need for you to defend, debate or over-explain your feelings or why you are not giving in. With toxic people, it is very likely that they will push the boundary harder and try to draw you into a debate or fight. Stay calm. Repeat your statement as if you were a broken record.

If after saying it a couple of times, they still aren’t getting it, simply walk away, stop texting back, hang up the phone. You are under no obligation to engage with them.

Stay strong and honor yourself and your needs. Your life is not a democracy. You get to set what is ok and what is not in terms of how people treat you. You have a right and an obligation to yourself to speak up for yourself, draw the line on whether you will or won’t interact with someone, withdraw from the conversation and refuse to discuss/hang up on someone who isn’t solution-focused. You also have a right to hire an attorney, an advocate or even get a restraining order.

I understand that this is easier said that done. That holding a boundary is scary, sometimes to the point of feeling like you will die. But with practice and support, you will reclaim your power.

You were not put on Earth to be someone’s doormat. You were not put on Earth to be mistreated. And whomever is telling you this directly or indirectly is a liar, plain and simple. You have the spark of the divine in you. You don’t walk alone. You are valuable, unique, one of a kind. I see who you are under the pain, under all the abuse you’ve been through with these clowns. You can rise up. You can reclaim your life. You can set and maintain boundaries like a boss. Your life is yours. Healing isn’t a straight line. Nobody does it perfectly. Just keep slogging forward. Do it for yourself. Do it for your children. Do it for others who are fighting the same fight along side you. Do it because the light will always win out over darkness, and good will always prevail over evil. Even if it doesn’t look like it in the short-term. You’ve got this. I’ll talk to you again Friday. Till then, work on setting and maintaining your boundaries and let me know how it goes for you this week. Also do one thing you enjoy every day. Self-care is important too.

TakeAways:

1. If the average person bumps into your boundaries, they are likely to apologize, back up and try not to do it again.
2. If a predator, emotionally unstable or narcissist bumps into your boundaries, they are likely to create drama, blameshift, gaslight or create chaos. They won’t apologize and they will be sure to do it again in the future. It’s part of their bag of manipulative tricks.
3. Boundary pushes are designed to keep you off-kilter, confused and distracted.
4. Being self-aware is the first step in creating and maintaining boundaries with a problematic person.
5. When setting and maintaining a boundary do not defend, debate or over-explain your feelings.
6. You have the right to set and maintain your own boundaries and the right to end the conversation if someone refuses to abide by your boundaries.
7. Holding a boundary can be scary, but it gets easier with practice.
8. You were not put on Earth to be mistreated.
9. Download and complete the pdfs to help you set and maintain your boundaries.