Today I’m talking about the concept of turning the mind and how to shift your thinking, the difference between willfulness and willingness and why it’s important to healing from narcissistic and sociopathic abuse, and finally how to go from a state of willfulness to willingness.
In episode 48 of the Fraudulationship to Freedom podcast, I talked about reality acceptance and why accepting reality is essential to healing. But what happens if we just don’t want to accept reality? What do we do then? We have a couple of choices. We can just dig in our heels and refuse to accept reality (and as a result our pain might become suffering and our problems will stay problems) or we can make a choice to accept. Making that choice to accept is a skill that takes practice. In DBT, this skill is called Turning the Mind.
Accepting reality as it is, whether that reality is that we have been duped by a sociopath who is refusing to move out of a house that we solely own or the reality that the courts are bogged down and the divorce process will take twice as long as it usually does or the reality that we have to parallel parent with a narcissist – all of these situations are extremely difficult to accept. But in order to move through the aftermath of narcissistic and sociopathic abuse, we have to accept reality as it is.
Acceptance seems to require some sort of choice. We have to turn our minds in the direction of acceptance, so to speak. Acceptance sometimes only lasts a moment or two, so you have to keep turning the mind over and over and over. The more painful the event, the longer it can take to accept fully.
You can think of turning the mind as something like turning your head; it requires just a few degrees of movement. Sometimes, though, it is like turning the whole body; it requires a full turn back to the path. Since turning the mind is a choice, that gives us a certain amount of freedom. We can choose to turn towards acceptance over and over again or we can choose to stay where we are. And doing nothing is making a choice to stay where we are.
But if we choose to practice turning the mind, even just a little bit, to kind of give the skill a test drive, here’s how we do it.
How to Turn the Mind Step-By-Step
1. Observe that you are no longer accepting. The tipoff is often anger, bitterness or falling into the sea of “Why me?” Or you might find that you are always trying to escape reality. You’re trying to block things out all the time. You’re hiding behind other things. Or you’re covering up how you’re really feeling. You find yourself saying all the time, “Why? Why is this happening?”
2. Make an inner commitment to accept reality as it is. In other words, go inside yourself and turn your mind toward acceptance. The inner commitment isn’t accepting. You don’t have to accept right away. You just have to make a commitment.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 over and over.
Example: Imagine losing your keys. You look in your pocket and they aren’t there. You accept that and look elsewhere. But soon you lose your acceptance and look in your pocket again. It still isn’t there, you accept, and…you come back to the pocket again.
4. Develop a plan for catching yourself when you drift out of acceptance. The idea here is to think through what you usually do when you are not accepting. What cues could you use to alert yourself that you are drifting away from acceptance? You might also decide to check in with yourself on some regular basis, perhaps before bed.
Maybe you’re resisting turning the mind. That’s ok. Nobody is asking you to buy into the need to turn the mind wholesale. Just give it a try and see how you feel. You may or may not be ready to use it. Come back to it when you can. And as with all new skills, start small. Just try it out and see how it feels.
Willfulness versus Willingness
What can sometimes get in the way of using any skill, including turning the mind, or get in the way of accepting reality is willfulness. I don’t really like the word willfulness. It has a lot of negative connotations for me, kind of like I’m being a naughty kid. But this is what DBT calls it, so I’m going to use that term. If you have a negative reaction to the word willfulness, please hang in there and keep listening.
First, let’s get clear on what willfulness is. You might be surprised.
Willfulness is:
- Throwing yourself into trying to control events, those around you, and so on.
- Trying to control experience, avoid it or escape from it and so on.
- Denying life or refusing to be part of it. Giving up and sitting on your hands instead of doing what is needed in the moment.
- Holding back, saying no, or more commonly saying, “Yes, but…”
- Imposing your will on reality, trying to fix everything, or refusing to do what is needed. It is the opposite of doing what works.
- Focusing on ego, on self-centered wants, on “me, me, me.”
- Holding a grudge or bitterness.
Willingness is:
- Accepting what is and responding to it in an effective or appropriate way. It is doing what works. It is doing just what is needed in the current situation or moment.
- Focusing on both individual and common needs.
- Throwing yourself into life without reservation, wholeheartedly.
- Saying Yes to the mystery of being alive in each moment.
- Responding from wise mind.
- It is committing yourself to participation in the cosmic process of the universe.
Approaching life from a stance of willingness is basically a growth mindset approach. It’s an openness to life. It’s a confidence in yourself that your life isn’t a catastrophe and that you can be an agent for change in your own life. Willingness is active, embraces life, and commits to doing just what is needed in any given moment in a balanced way.
How to Go From Willful to Willing
1. Observe the willfulness. Just notice when willfulness shows up. Identify it. Label it. Describe it. Experience it. Say, “Willfulness has shown up.” Try to avoid saying “I’m being willful.” You aren’t willful. Willfulness has arisen inside you. It’s super important not to label yourself as being this or that, especially if the “this or that” is a negative label. Life is hard enough without beating ourselves up about things.
2. Next, radically accept willfulness. Denying willfulness is not helpful and you cannot fight willfulness with willfulness. In essence, you have to love the willfulness. When it comes up within you, just notice it and accept it as a part of being human. No judgment.
3. Turn your mind. Turn your mind towards acceptance and willingness. Turn your mind toward participating in reality just as it is.
4. Try half-smiling and a willing posture. If you’re having trouble getting your mind to turn, try adopting a half-smile and open, willing posture. I’ll be talking about the half-smile, willing hands skills in the next episode but basically, the half-smile is like the smile on the Mona Lisa. The idea behind it is that your body and posture impact your emotional state. More on that in the upcoming episode.
5. Ask what’s the threat. If willfulness is immovable, ask yourself, “What’s the threat?” Usually, it has something to do with some sort of threat. If we think that if we’re willing we will lose something big or that something terrible is going to happen to us, then we’re not ever going to give up willfulness. You might be envisioning some sort of catastrophe. Even if there is a realistic threat, it usually won’t be a catastrophe. You can use other skills, check the facts, problem-solving, building mastery, to avert a catastrophe.
To Recap:
Turning the mind is a choice that you make toward accepting reality as it is. It’s a skill that can be developed and you can start by just trying it out. Observe that you’re no longer accepting, make a commitment toward acceptance. You don’t have to accept right this minute, a commitment to do so is a good place to start. Keep practicing and make a plan for what to do when you catch yourself falling into nonacceptance.
Willingness is responding to the moment doing just what needs to be done, acting from a place of balance, and participating in life. If willfulness is hard to give up, ask yourself what’s the threat. Accept and acknowledge willfulness when it’s there and try not to judge it. Love it instead. Then turn your mind toward willingness and acceptance. Keep practicing.