My first exposure to Dialectal Behavioral Therapy (DBT) was when I worked on the personality disorders team at our local community mental health center. DBT is a treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder, but it’s also a really great skills-based program that will help anyone “adult” in an improved way. One of the foundational pieces of DBT is that as trauma survivors none of us asked to be abused or traumatized. And we aren’t responsible for our abuse in any way, shape or form. What we are responsible for is cleaning up the mess. Nobody is going to do that for us. Nobody has a magic wand to make the abuse NOT happen if it’s already happened. It would be wonderful if we hadn’t been abused, but the hard, cold fact is that we were.
Options: Suffering or Healing
We have a couple of options on what to do with that reality. We can continue to be victimized and suffer or we can be survivors and clean up the mess that the trauma left in our lives. You have to pick one or the other. Staying passive and not picking either one is really picking to remain in victimization and suffering. And I’ve worked with enough traumatized people to know (as well as having been a traumatized person from a very young age – abuse by the narcissistic sociopath was not my first rodeo and actually happened after I had dealt with my childhood trauma), that trauma keeps us stuck and keeps retraumatizing us unless and until we are ready to do the work to clean up the mess.
When I first heard the idea that it was my responsibility to clean up the mess trauma had left in my life it made sense to me, only because I had actually spent more than a decade in weekly therapy doing just that. Had I heard this message about cleaning up the mess years ago, I would have been resistant, just like many of my clients were resistant.
Start Where You Are
I want to talk a bit about resistance today. How do you move from resistance to acceptance to freedom? Because rationally I think it makes sense to want to move from resistance to acceptance. Emotionally it’s not that simple. You need to start where you are in the healing process, not where you wish you were. So When I think about resistance, it feels sticky, like really powerful gum on the bottom of my shoe. The more I try to scrape it off my shoe, the more it pulls me back. My anger feeds my resistance, as well.
We might think How DARE he Gaslight me! How DARE he rage at me! Who does he think he is? How could he discard me? You try and try to figure it out. Try and try to wrap your head around what just happened to you. Your brain screams THIS IS NOT FAIR! And you’re right. There’s nothing fair about it. Truly. You are justifiably angry, sad, disgusted, disappointed, frazzled.
Pause for a minute a see where in your body these feelings come up. Do they have a color or an image that’s associated with them. Don’t try to force it, just see what you can find out. Approach it like a detective. Its just interesting information for now.
Now I want to tell you that you can feel all of those things. It’s ok. You are where you are in the healing process and exactly where you need to be at this moment. And, if you weren’t feeling these things you wouldn’t be reading about getting to the other side of narcissistic or sociopathic abuse would you!? The problem comes in when those feelings get tangled up feeding your resistance to clean up the mess you were left with. Resistance fuels inaction and inaction keeps you stuck, hurting, feeling used and unable to move forward to create that life you long for.
Just Consider
So what about keeping the feelings and letting go of resistance just a little bit? You don’t have to let go of all of your resistance right this instance. Part of your resistance is probably functioning to keep you safe, so ok. You can use the feelings to propel you up and out of the trauma mess, rather than letting them fuel your resistance to change. This is a process, not a magic wand or quick fix. And again, you don’t have to give up your resistance 100% right this minute. But, just for a minute consider that you can use all those feelings to move you forward to whatever it is kind of life you want. How does that feel in your body? Maybe a little bit hopeful or a little bit freeing.
Mindful Awareness
Mindful awareness of your thoughts and feelings will help shift you out of resistance bit by bit. Remembering that you are not your feelings. You are not your thoughts. And your thoughts are not facts. Practice keeping this in mind whenever you feel that resistance bogging you down. Be an observer of your thoughts and feelings.
Maybe imagine that your thoughts are like clouds floating by in the sky or cars on a moving train going on down the track. Being mindful of the story you are telling yourself about the abuse will help you shift away from resistance. (Note that the story about the abuse may very well not even be your story. You might still have the abuser in your head! Just observe if this is the case.)
What would your life look like if you used your feelings as fuel to propel yourself forward? What would it smell like? What would it feel like? What is the one thing you could change today to move yourself a little bit closer to the life you want? It could be something as small as making a commitment to yourself to do 10 minutes of journal writing, taking a walk or some other self-care. It could be restarting or continuing no contact. It could be setting up an appointment with a therapist or an attorney.
It’s a Messy Process
Moving from resistance to cleaning up the mess to creating the life you want is a messy process. It isn’t necessarily linear, so please don’t expect to go perfectly from point A to B to C. It will be zig zaggy and messy and that’s ok. You’ve been through the Olympics version of Mind Games with the narcissist or sociopathic abuser and it will take some time to get everything sorted out in your life and in your head. Be gentle with yourself as you put one foot in front of the other. If you need support, please reach out to me or someone you trust. I have all the faith in the world that you can get to the other side. You are loving, amazingly caring, smart and compassionate. I know this because narcissists and sociopaths don’t pick losers.