Who’s That Woman in the Mirror?
I’ve been thinking about the topic of “feeling better” lately. In other words, what does ‘healing’ look like and feel like? A lot of women report that even years after the fraudulationship ended, they realize that they are still stuck. Sometimes this realization hits like the proverbial “ton of bricks.” Women report that they thought they were doing ok, but when they look in the mirror, they don’t recognize themselves. They think back to a time before the fraudulationship and wonder what happened to the vibrant, intelligent, strong, spunky, curious, witty woman they used to be. They wonder if they will ever feel like that again. Maybe you can relate.
You’re not going to go back to exactly how you were before the fraudulationship. That’s just not possible. Trauma of any kind changes you. And, honestly, would you really want to be exactly the same person? After all, that person didn’t have all the information to protect herself from the predator that entered her life. So, she would be at risk.
The good news is that you can reclaim the person you were, the person you still are underneath it all, but you’ll be the 2.0 version of yourself. You’ll incorporate everything you’ve learned about yourself and about others into the new and improved version of you! That’s an exciting prospect!
Wired to Connect
Before I talk about how to move to version 2.0 of yourself, I want to say that your feelings are normal. What do I mean normal? Well, they are a biological response, rather than a psychological problem. We are wired to connect with others. We are wired to trust others. We are not biologically meant to be walking through the world with no connection to others at all. The biological drive to live and work in social groups is foundational to the survival of our species. This makes it especially traumatizing when someone we love and trust, someone who we thought had our best interest at heart and wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt us, hurts us. Our response to betrayal is biologically hardwired in us.
Anger Has a Purpose
Initially we may feel shock and disbelief. It’s hard to get our heads around the betrayal. The shock and disbelief may also include some self-criticism or self-blame and powerlessness. Intense anger may come on the heels of the shocked, powerless feeling. The anger has a biological purpose, as well. Anger is an activating emotion. Anger temporarily numbs the pain of powerlessness and provides us with energy to face the threat. But these feelings are short-lived. Once the adrenaline and amphetamines released by anger in your body have gone back down to their baseline levels, you are likely to feel exhausted from the crash and even worse than you did before the anger set in. You can get stuck in a cycle of thinking about the betrayal and becoming angry, feeling exhausted, spent, depressed. Round and round you go. The cycle itself is exhausting and you can’t keep it up for long. This is why so many people kind of settle into a persistent state of resentment. Resentment keeps us from being extremely angry and also keeps us from being extremely depressed. When we have persistent low-level resentment we can get through the day, but we really don’t enjoy what we’re doing. Maybe we are irritable with people. Maybe we make more mistakes at work. But we get by when we are resentful and avoid the rollercoaster highs and lows of anger and the subsequent crash.
Your Better Safe Than Sorry Brain
Again I want to underline that this is a biological process rather than a psychological one. The anger serves a purpose, the resentment serves a purpose. Likewise, your emotional reactivity following betrayal is biological and serves a purpose. Your emotional reactivity is not a psychological failing. It is not a medical condition or character flaw. You are not going crazy. Your body is responding to protect you. Your emotional reactivity is part of a larger defense mechanism your body is employing to make sure that you don’t get hurt again. It is a normal response. You are not broken. You are not damaged beyond repair. Your brain is operating normally. When we are betrayed, your brain temporarily sees the world as more dangerous than it actually is. We are descended from ancestors who survived because after a close call with a predator their brains developed seeing the world as more dangerous than it actually is, temporarily. Their brains, and yours today, once threatened, take up the motto “better to be safe, than sorry.” Humans survived because they didn’t underestimate threats. So you, my friend, are normal, and your beautiful brain is doing everything it can to keep you safe.
Victim Identity Mindset
This is supposed to be a temporary state of being, not a place to live permanently. Of course, you could get caught up and stuck here. You could develop a victim identity. You could refuse to give up resentment in an effort to not let your betrayer off the hook, so to speak. You may feel like identifying as a victim honors your pain. Maybe it does. But do you really need a monument to your pain to remember it? Is the victim identity serving you, making your life better? If you’re listening to this, I’m guessing you’re not really happy with life and you want a change. Being a victim is powerless. In taking your power back, you are in no way saying that it was ok for them to betray you, abuse you or harm you in any way. In taking your power back you are saying, I can’t change what happened, but I can clean up the mess. I can move on to creating Me version 2.0. If you want revenge on your abuser, especially if your abuser is narcissistic or sociopathic, the best revenge is to build a life you love.
Embracing Healing Identity Mindset
The key to the 2.0 version of yourself is to reject victim identity mindset and embrace a healing identity mindset. One of the first steps to do this is to decrease your emotional reactivity. When you are emotionally reactive, you probably don’t feel like yourself. Decreasing your emotional reactivity will almost immediately help you feel more in control and more like the real you. You can decrease your emotional reactivity by acting on your values rather than acting on your feelings in the moment. Your values represent who you really are and what you really believe in. Acting on your values will change your feelings by helping you feel more authentic and connected to who you really are. Conversely, if you continue to act on your temporary feelings, you may violate your values and end up feeling worse.
I’m including some action steps in this article because if you want a behavioral change, it’s important to not just think about it. It’s important to implement and act. We’re forging new neural pathways to move you from victim identity to a healing identity.
Clarifying Your Values
To help identify your values, you can download and print out the Values Sort PDF. Instructions are included. Once you have your values pinpointed, you can use the Value Behavior Log pdf to keep track of how many times you acted on your values during the week.
You can go to https://bit.ly/valuesdownload to download the pdf zip file. I invite you to use both of these free downloads to reconnect with your values and then act on your values throughout the next week. Let me know how it goes for you.
Recap
To recap:
- You can’t go back to who you were prior to the betrayal trauma. You can create version 2.0.
- You are not broken or irreparably damaged. Your feelings are normal.
- The highs and lows of the anger/crash cycle can turn into chronic resentment.
- You don’t need a memorial of resentment to honor or validate your pain.
- After betrayal your brain temporarily goes into a “better safe than sorry” mode.
- Moving from victim identity mindset to healing identity mindset is the key to moving forward in your own life and creating version 2.0.
- You can decrease your emotional reactivity by acting on your values rather than your feelings of the moment.
- Doing the work will build new neural connections in your brain.