I want to talk more today about the healing identity mindset, blame and the impulse to retaliate. And I just want to say right up front that your feelings are justified completely. It is normal to blame. It is normal to want to retaliate. And as unfair as it is that we are left to clean up the mess following narcissistic or sociopathic abuse, the fact is that we are the only ones who can do it.
It is essential that we recognize the power that comes with our responsibility to clean up our own lives no matter how difficult that task may seem on the whole. Healing is about taking back our power and control. When we are stuck in blame mode, victim mode, we are giving up our power. I for one am completely unwilling to give the narcissistic sociopath any more power than I already have.
You Are Still You
In previous articles I talked about the victim identity mindset and that oftentimes we get stuck there, think we are damaged beyond repair. I will reiterate here that you are not damaged beyond repair. He damaged your relationship. He broke your relationship. He did not damage you beyond repair. You, underneath the hurt and anger, are still you. You still have the same intelligence. You still have the same sense of humor. You still have the capacity to love and care for those around you. You still have empathy and open-hearted goodness. Your values are still intact. You may not feel this way right now.
It might be difficult to access all of these fine qualities about yourself until you get a bit further along in the healing process, but you will being to feel better. You will feel like you version 2.0 if you commit to the healing identity mindset and work the process. Staying stuck, building memorials to our pain, hurt nobody but ourselves.
The Impulse to Retaliate is Normal, And…
It is normal, though, to feel like you want to retaliate. But you have to curb this urge as much as you can because in the long run it won’t serve you. It may feel good in the moment, but it will bring you down to his level and hinder your healing. Sometimes the urge to retaliate is strong. But you can learn to channel this urge into behavior that is going to serve you long term. Tracking your progress in a log may be helpful. I’ve created a pdf that you can download from the show notes.
Impulse Log
Or you can simply grab your journal or a piece of paper. Write down each week how often you felt the impulse to blame, criticize, act superior, devalue or demean someone, or inflict emotional pain or physically harm someone. Next explain how you channeled these feelings into something more beneficial, something that would help you heal. The point of the log is to demonstrate to yourself that staying true to your values switches on your sense of empowerment for a much longer period of time than following through on the impulse to retaliate.
Some examples of what your log may look like:
I felt like criticizing.
How I channeled these feelings/regulated the impulse to criticize: I noticed that I was about to say something critical and I paused. I thought about how I really value being a positive, kind person and I decided that being critical was not in line with these values.
I felt like acting superior.
How I regulated the impulse to act superior: I shifted my focus to my own self-care, making sure I was getting enough sleep, movement and eating foods that nourish my body and benefit my body.
I felt like devaluing or demeaning someone
How I regulated the impulse: I noticed that I was about to say something demeaning and I paused. I reflected on my core value of being respectful of others and decided that devaluing or demeaning others was not in line with this core value.
I felt like hurting someone emotionally or physically.
How I regulated the impulse: I set a timer and allowed myself to think about getting revenge on him for 3 minutes. Then I thought about my core value of respect, equality, being a law-abiding citizen and decided that acting on my impulses violated these values and ultimately following through on them was not worth the possibility of getting in legal trouble and ruining my life over someone like him.
Creating a healing identity mindset is a work in progress. It won’t happen instantly, but it will happen by following through with small, consistent daily actions, reflection and self-monitoring. As your focus shifts from the absolute unfairness of the abuse you’ve endured at the hands of the narcissist or sociopath and what he’s done to you, over to claiming responsibility for what you want your life to be, how you want to feel, you will lock your healing identity mindset into place. You will notice over time that your ability to regulate your own emotions, to control your own brain (rather than your brain controlling you), all of this is improving. And you when you decide to focus on your own growth rather than what he did to you, you free up mental and emotional resources that will further your own healing in a much more time efficient way.
Take Aways:
- Your feelings are normal.
- It is normal to want to blame and/or retaliate against the abuser.
- He broke the relationship. He did not irreversibly damage you.
- You can learn to channel the urge to blame/retaliate into thoughts and behavior that benefit you.
- Tracking your impulses to retaliate, criticize, blame, etc. is a good way to show yourself your progress over time.
- You can download the log at https://subscribepage.com/episode23download
You can listen to the podcast version of this article at the Fraudulationship to Freedom Podcast episode 23.
You can connect with me on Instagram @fraudulationship or on Facebook @fraudulationship or MegSouth.Fraudulationship.
I’d love to hear from you!