In a Healing Holding Pattern? Radical Acceptance Can Help

Reality acceptance skills are another set of DBT distress tolerance skills. When we’ve been conned by a sociopath, it’s extremely difficult to believe that someone could be so evil– And I use the word evil deliberately and in a literal sense. If sociopaths are not evil, I don’t know who would qualify to be called evil. These predators deliberately sought us out as prey to accomplish their own ends without a thought or even a care as to how their lies and manipulations would impact us. This is because, as I have said in past episodes, sociopaths have no conscience. Accepting the reality that we’ve been duped so thoroughly is rough. But the sooner we accept reality, the sooner we can move towards healing.

This article will discuss:

What reality acceptance skills are.
The goals of reality acceptance.
The difference between reality acceptance and giving up.
The difference between regular acceptance and reality acceptance.
What is it that we have to accept?
Factors that get in the way of radical acceptance.
How to radically accept step-by-step.

What is Reality Acceptance?

Reality acceptance is the complete and total openness to the facts of reality as they are, without throwing a tantrum or responding to life willfully (more about that later).

Reality Acceptance Is Not…

It is not the approval of a situation.

It is not about compassion or love.

It is not about being passive or giving in.

It is not against change.

Reality Acceptance Skills

1. What Are Reality Acceptance Skills?

Reality acceptance skills are skills useful for accepting your life as it is in the moment. These skills come in handy especially if the life you’re currently living isn’t the life you want. If you’ve gotten involved with a narcissist or sociopath, I’d bet that you never intended or planned for this to happen and are picking up the pieces, living a life you didn’t want or plan on having to deal with.

2. Goals of Reality Acceptance Skills

The goals of reality acceptance skills are simply to reduce your suffering and increase your sense of freedom.

3. Six Basic Reality Acceptance Skills

There are six basic reality acceptance skills: Radical acceptance, turning the mind, willingness, half-smiling, willing hands, allowing the mind/mindfulness of current thoughts. At the time of this writing, I’m in the process of recording and releasing episodes devoted to each of these skills in my Fraudulationship to Freedom podcast.

Isn’t Radical Acceptance Giving up or Approving?

If the goal of learning DBT skills is to heal from narcissistic or sociopathic abuse, why put in radical acceptance?Some people might ask the question, “If you accept evil and wrongdoing, isn’t that the same thing as approving of it?”

Let me answer that with an example. You’ve left the narcissist or sociopath and have hired a lawyer to either get a civil annulment or a divorce and it’s costing you money you don’t have to pay the attorney fees.

Accepting that this is where you are in life is necessary for you to get through this time with a minimum of suffering. Maybe there are even things you are able to do because of this situation that you wouldn’t have had the opportunity to do if it hadn’t happened. In my own situation, I would not have had the chance to spend so much time with my adult children if I hadn’t discovered my husband’s fraud and left.

Radical acceptance is not the same thing as giving up or approving of what he did. I accept that, for the time being, I am fighting for my house, living in a sort of limbo state, and that for all it’s aggravations, there is a big bonus I wouldn’t have gotten to experience had this situation not happened — that is that I get to see my adult children and we get to be part of each other’s lives in a way we hadn’t been able to for a long time (due to living so far away from each other.)

Tantrums and fighting the system can interfere with problem-solving within the system and can lead to more frustration. Lying down and giving up and giving in, can be just as problematic.

The Difference Between Acceptance and Radical Acceptance

Acceptance is:

Acknowledging or recognizing facts that are true, conceding the facts.
Letting go of fighting your reality and also of throwing tantrums.

Radical acceptance is:

Accepting all the way, with your mind, your heart, and your body.
Accepting something from the depths of your soul.
Opening yourself to fully experiencing reality as it is in this one moment.

The idea here is to acknowledge what exists without anger or grudge, without bitterness, without meanness. Despair and passivity, bitterness, resentment, and undue shame or guilt are all the results of failures in radical acceptance.

Now this isn’t to say that you’re not going to feel angry or even bitter. You will. And that anger is completely justified. You were abused and if you weren’t angry about it, I’d be surprised. The idea is to keep these feelings as a temporary state of being, not make them permanent parts of your personality. This is what the sociopath has done. We all know how sociopaths and often narcissists are the victims of the entire world. They are not what you want to become. Radical acceptance is the way to make sure that you do move on.

Bitterness and anger can also be the results of accepting distorted facts — facts not in evidence. Thus, the goal of radical acceptance is to fully accept just those facts that must be accepted — nothing more, nothing less.

What Has to Be Accepted?

We only have to accept actual facts about the present and the past, and reasonable possibilities about the future. Thus we have to be very careful not to accept distortions of the past (i.e., “My mother hated me from the beginning of my life.”), exaggerations (i.e., “I never get what I want.”), catastrophes (i.e., “My whole life was ruined when I got fired.”), judgmental assertions (i.e., “My ex is a jerk, and my children are no good.”), or other similar beliefs or assumptions that are not actual facts.

All of us have limitations on our futures. A limitation on the future means that we may be less likely to achieve one or more desired outcomes. Limitations are like probabilities. Accepting these limitations (or probabilities) can be important in setting goals and in avoiding failures that may only decrease the quality of our lives. The main point here is that only highly likely limitations have to be accepted.

Limitations on our futures are caused by factors that have occurred in our lives, in the lives of others and in our environment. If we do not change the causes that limit our present and future, then we cannot change, and reality itself will not change.

We can be limited by our genes, the biology we are born with, an absence of childhood education or effective parenting, a poor economic background, social status, country of birth, gender, race, sexual orientation, ethnicity, body shape, height, age, physical illness or disabilities, family members who need our care, or any number of other factors that we have little control over.

We can be limited by our past behavior and choices. A person who skipped class a lot in high school, didn’t study, and didn’t apply themselves to school is less likely to get accepted at a lot of colleges. If you left a job to stay home and take care of children you might have more difficulty finding a high-paying job.

We’re also limited by known probabilities. We all must accept that we will die. Most of us have to accept paying taxes or having a shortened life if we continue to smoke, avoid exercise, and refuse to manage high blood pressure.

Refusing at times to accept that an undesired outcome is almost certainly going to occur if we don’t change our behavior is a denial of reality and a failure of radical acceptance.

Fearful and hopeless thoughts about the future are not facts about the future. They do not have to be accepted as high probabilities unless the feared event is highly likely, and the causes of the event cannot be changed. You may have to accept that you will never get a job if you are on your deathbed or if you are unwilling to look for a job, but it does not need to be accepted if you can still work and are willing to apply for jobs.

We all have limitations but the effects of specific limitations on our lives depend on our dreams, and goals and on our willingness to accept not having everything we want in our lives. We cannot always control our own desires. We can wish we did not want something that’s unattainable but wishing does not always make things come true. Thus, when goals and possibilities conflict it can cause much more pain than when they do not conflict.

Everything has a cause. The point here is that everything that exists is an outcome of a cause. The point is not to identify specific causes or imply that we can always know the causes of events in reality. Nor is it to define what constitutes a cause. Thus, causes can be physical, psychological, spiritual, or any other type of cause we may believe in. Saying that everything has a cause is not meant to blame you for ending up with a narcissist or sociopath. I don’t buy that we somehow attracted these people to us in a magical or manifesting way. But we ended up with them because they conned us. They presented as someone they were not. Let me repeat, you are not a narcissist magnet. You were conned.

If a cause occurs, the effect should also occur. Acceptance from this point of view is saying, “Everything should be as it is.” The point of this statement is that accepting what occurs in the universe is acknowledging that it is caused.

Radical acceptance involves saying, “The rules of the universe are the rules of the universe.” Then we can try to figure out what caused what. When we say that reality should be different, we are saying that somehow the rules of the universe should be different. Not only that, we are saying that we should get to say what the laws of the universe should be.

We don’t have to know the exact cause of things in order to practice radical acceptance. In the end, the only reason to figure out the cause of how you ended up with a narcissist or sociopath is to learn to recognize the signs so you decrease your chances of ending up with another one. I’m specifically saying decrease your chances, because conmen are highly skilled at lying and manipulation, so I don’t think you can say with 100% certainty that you’ll nevcer be conned again, but you can significantly decrease your chances of tht happening by knowing the signs and by ending it as soon as someone shows you who they actually are.

Life can be worth living even if it’s painful. If life had to be pain-free to be worth living, nobody would have a life worth living. Acceptance requires finding a way not to say that life is a catastrophe. Suppressing our desires for what we want is not an effective way out of this. When we do this, we are acting as if it would be terrible if we did not get what we want, as if we could not be happy and could not tolerate not having everything we want. These beliefs, of course, just make things worse.

Why Accept Reality?

Rejecting Or Denying Reality Doesn’t Change Reality

Rejecting reality usually involves avoiding seeing or experiencing reality, throwing a tantrum and insisting to the universe that reality change right this minute. It may simply be denying the facts that are right in front of our eyes. Although avoiding, tantrums and denying might make us feel better in the moment, they do not change the facts that have occurred.

Example: Some parents have a difficult time accepting that their children have grown up and left for college or a job in a new city. This refusal can lead to unrealistic demands, unwanted advice and oversolicitous interference in their children’s lives. Ultimately damaging their relationship with their children. I want to stay that you’re not going to be perfect in your acceptance of reality. I seem to go in cycles with this. At the moment the courts are bogged down and my civil annulment is sitting there with no end in sight. Most of the time I carry on with life, but sometimes it does get really frustrating and I want it to be over right this minute. I think this is normal to want these predators out of our lives. At this point, I usually move back into accepting reality and working on changing what I can change. Which brings me to the second reason why accepting reality is important.

Changing Reality Requires First Accepting Reality

Rejection of reality is like a cloud that surrounds pain, interfering with being able to see it clearly. Problems that are difficult to see clearly are difficult to solve.

Examples:

Refusing to accept an illness can lead you to not take care of yourself, which may cause you even more difficulties.
Staying in an abusive relationship for years because you simply cannot accept that your partner is unlikely to stop abusing you is likely to lead only to more abuse.
Refusing to accept that it may rain on your outdoor wedding, and therefore not making any contingency plans,
So you have to accept reality in order for anything to change.

Pain Cannot Be Avoided

Pain cannot be avoided. It is nature’s way of signaling that something is wrong. If we could avoid pain we would do it. If we did avoid pain, however, we would be highly likely to die young as we could inadvertently get ourselves in dangerous situations that could kill us (such as accidentally burning ourselves or going into freezing water that would put us in shock.)

Rejecting Reality Turns Pain into Suffering

Suffering is pain plus nonacceptance of the pain. Pain can be difficult or almost impossible to bear but suffering is even more difficult. Refusal to accept reality and the suffering that goes along with it can interfere with reducing pain.

Suffering comes when:

People are unable or refuse to accept pain.
People cling to getting what they want, refusing to accept what they have.
People resist reality as it is in the moment.

Radical acceptance transforms unbearable suffering into bearable pain. In sum, pain is pain. Suffering and agony are pain plus nonacceptance. If we take pain and add nonacceptance we end up with suffering.

Accepting Reality Can Bring Freedom

Accepting reality can free us from bitterness, anger, sadness, shame and other painful emotions. The drive to stop pain no matter the cost is the opposite of freedom. Much of life involves managing painful situations that cannot be solved immediately.

Although it is easy to think that we can just get rid of pain by positive thinking or by ignoring or suppressing pain, the fact is that these strategies often do not work. Our use of these strategies is usually based on the thinking that we cannot stand the pain. We feel compelled to do something to stop the pain. We are slaves to our incessant urges to escape from the present moment.

Example: You may have experienced the death of someone important to you. Most people when someone dies can’t accept it at first. They keep thinking, “This can’t have happened.” and they keep expecting the person to be there. Then eventually they accept it and realize that the person really did die. When you accept it, you’re still in pain, but you can move ahead with your life.

Acceptance May Lead to Sadness, but Deep Calm Usually Follows

Acceptance often comes with a lot of sadness, but even with the sadness, it feels as if a burden has been lifted. Usually once radical acceptance has taken place, people feel ready to move on with their lives.

Fear of sadness is often at the core of difficulties with acceptance. This is why when losses are severe and irreplaceable, complete acceptance usually unfolds over a very long period of time.

The Path Out of Hell is through Misery

The bottom line is that if you are in hell, the only way out is to go through a period of sustained misery. Misery is, of course, much better than hell, but it is painful nonetheless. By refusing to accept the misery that it takes to climb out of hell, you end up falling back into hell repeatedly, only to have to start over and over again.

When to Use Reality Acceptance Skills

There are three types of situations when reality acceptance skills are useful.

Life has dealt you a major trauma, pain, or difficulty.

Example: Many of us may have to accept not having had a loving family, things we have done in the past that we regret, opportunities that we have not had or that we passed up.

You are in distress but not in crisis. The situation is painful and cannot be changed right now. The absence of reality acceptance here can lead to irritation, grumpiness and sometimes even tantrums that ruin your whole day. Acceptance soothes the pain.

Examples: Reality acceptance skills can help if you are waiting in stalled traffic and are about to be late for an important appointment; if it is raining on a holiday when you had outdoor plans or if a person you are planning on going to a party with gets sick and can’t go with you.

Problem-solving isn’t working. In this case you may need to evaluate whether you are actually accepting all of the facts of reality. To solve problems, you need reality acceptance skills to see and evaluate the situation clearly (or you might have the wrong problem), to dream up effective and practical solutions, and to evaluate whether your solution is working.

Example: You’ve been planning a vacation to go camping for a long time and you catch the flu two days before you’re supposed to leave. You go to the doctor and dutifully follow the treatment, but your symptoms are not improving. This might be a good time to accept the reality that you are sick and should stay home in order to recover.

What Radical Acceptance is Not

It is Not Approval

It is easy to accept things we like and approve of. It is very hard to accept things we don’t like. This does not mean that we cannot accept things we do not like or approve of.

Example: It is a lot easier to discover that the person you married has many more wonderful qualities than you thought than it is to discover the person has many more negative qualities than you thought. However, both are equally important to accept.

Examples: People in jail for crimes they did not commit must accept that they are there, but they do not have to approve of the unfairness of this reality. Accepting the fact that you have been traumatized is critical in overcoming PTSD, but it does not mean that you approve of being traumatized. Accepting that you have high blood pressure does not mean you approve of it.

It is Not Compassion or Love

Accepting what people do or say does not mean that we have to love them or even have compassion for them. Compassion is easier when we accept, but it is not a necessary condition of acceptance. We do not have to have loving feelings for people, animals or things we radically accept.

Examples: You can radically accept that there are rats in your attic, but you don’t have to love them. You can radically accept that people abuse children, rape women and men, steal from the rich and give to the poor, without liking or approving of these things in any way.

It is Not Passivity, Giving Up or Giving In

Many people are afraid to accept things, because they fear that they will then not try to change things, that they will become passive and helpless.

This will only happen if they fail to accept their feelings of dislike or disapproval, if they forget that they can make changes if they put in enough effort and if they forget that is is worth the time to try to change what they don’t like.

It is Not Against Change

Acceptance alone does not change a difficult situation, but it makes change possible or more likely. In fact, acceptance is essential to bringing about change.

Factors that Interfere with Radical Acceptance

You Don’t Have the Skills

At first, you may have no idea how to do radical acceptance. You might try to accept but have no idea how to do it. Also since radical acceptance is a skill, you will get better with practice. As with all skills, when you are first learning, start with something low level and work up to things that are harder to accept.

Beliefs That Accepting Reality Minimizes or Approves of It

People often confuse acceptance with being passive or doing nothing to change or prevent future painful events. But they are not the same. You can’t change something that you don’t accept. If you want to change something, accept reality.

Strong Emotions

Strong emotions may interfere with acceptance, because you may feel that accepting will lead to experiencing unbearable, overwhelming emotions, such as sadness, anger at the person or group that caused the painful event, rage at the injustice of the world, overwhelming shame about who you are, or guilt about your own behavior.

So how do you practice radical acceptance?

Practicing Radical Acceptance Step-By-Step

Observe that you are questioning or fighting reality.
Remind yourself that reality is just as it is.
Consider the causes of the reality you need to accept.
Practice accepting with the whole self (mind, body, spirit).
Practice opposite action.
Cope ahead.
Attend to body sensations.
Allow disappointment, sadness, or grief to arise within you.
Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain.
Do pros and cons of how accepting reality can help you and a pros and cons of how not accepting reality can help you.

To Recap: